


You're a Rainbow

by phandomghostwriter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009Phan, Biphobia, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, dodieclarksongfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 03:50:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15161945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phandomghostwriter/pseuds/phandomghostwriter
Summary: It is 2009 and Dan is feeling anxious about what his relationship with Phil means, because he really doesn't want to be bisexual. Can Phil help Dan find peace with his feelings of "the label just talks over me."Based on Rainbow by Dodie Clark





	You're a Rainbow

**Author's Note:**

> I have had the exact feelings Dan has in this fic and when I heard this song I knew I needed to write something. I hope you like it. I don't cast any aspirations on Dan and Phil. I never thought I would write a 2009 fit but here we are.

They lie there on their backs on Phil’s bed, in Phil’s parents house in Rawtenstall. It is 2009, and the night time air and subtle sound of rain is coming through the cracked window. This is the first night Dan has ever spent with Phil.  
They have had this conversation before, a couple of times actually, over Skype, and text, and mentions have been made on their social accounts. It has never felt quite as real as in this moment though because here they are so close together they could be touching and there is no computer screen, no keyboard, just Dan and his thoughts.  
He wants his lips to move. He wants to say something, but he can’t seem to get them to start. How do you start a conversation about something you're feeling confused about with someone who has it all figured out, a conversation you have already had multiple times. He knows Phil wont be mad. He is just really sick of feeling fucking embarrassed. He is sick of having all of this bother him. He is sick of having feelings for someone and not knowing how to quantify that, or what the hell that makes him, or what it all fucking means. He hates the word bisexual. It sounds bad rolling off his tongue tasting like hot acid, and he feels like he has to say it in a hushed voice. He knows he likes girls. That has always been easy. He never had to work hard for that. In school when all his friends would talk about it he would shoot right back because yes, he was just like them. Girls, he has dated them, had sex with them, felt romantic feelings for them.  
Then there were guys. And that was something he had learned to repress for a long time. He had best friends that confused him at times. He would sometimes find a guy attractive in a way that he felt wasn’t normal. He would feel something for someone that he felt he shouldn’t be feeling. People reminded him of it too. There were the people who thought he was gay, who would call him gay, or would ask him to his face if he was gay. His girlfriend even went so far as to ask him. There were also the people who called him worse, who reminded him just how bad of a thing it was supposed to be. So yeah, it was something he pushed away, and it was easy. It was easy for a while, until a year later he would think about it again, and obsess over it again and decide that he was straight. This cycle would repeat itself over and over and over. He would get too close to a friend and wonder if it was a crush, a celebrity would come out in some grand announcement and he would bite his lip and wonder what it must feel like to be them, or he would be called gay incessantly and mercelously, and he would have to look in the mirror and remind himself that no, no he wasn’t. The word bisexual was a mantra in his mind he would repeat over and over in his room on his knees with tears down his face praying to God’s he didn’t believe exist, until he would eventually convince himself he wasn’t, only for it to come back up shortly after to repeat the cycle again.  
Then there was Phil. Phil was someone Dan could like from afar. He was the first person that Dan didn’t have to pretend for. He was always a safe distance away for him to pour his feelings out onto. He could hide behind a cheeky comment, a laptop screen, a 3 hour tube ride. Without the distance Dan would have never been so brave. He never thought he would actually be lying here on top of Phil’s duvet, fingers almost brushing, hating himself for the inner turmoil he was feeling over a stupid fucking word. Dan couldn’t deny his feelings for Phil. He tried, he really did, but it was just too obvious. He had never felt this way about anyone. It was all so new, so exciting, and incredibly terrifying. Dan wanted more with Phil, he cared about Phil, but crossing lines with Phil would be submitting to a label he had been hating, a label he had been denying, his entire life. He thought finding out who he was, was supposed to be freeing, but it felt like a mental prison.  
So that was why he was here next to Phil, heart pounding, not saying a word. The conversation had all but died, and it was all because Dan had got trapped in his  own lonely mind.  
“Dan are you okay?” Phil asked poorly masking his worry.  
“Yeah,” he said incredibly unconvincing.  
“Dan I know something is bothering you. You can talk to me,” Phil said shifting so he was now on his side facing Dan as he continued to stare blankly at the ceiling.  
“I know.”  
“Are you uncomfortable?” Phil said worry in his voice now evident.  
“No!” He said too quickly. “No,” he softly corrected. “I’m just trapped in my head is all.”  
“Mind telling me what well you’ve fallen in?”  
“We have talked about it before,” Dan said quieter now.  
“That’s okay, is it something I said?” Dan knew he had to talk now because Phil would go on believing it was something he did, and that just made Dan feel worse.  
“I don’t want you to be mad at me Phil.”  
“I am not going to be mad at you Dan. Unless you coming here was just an elaborate plot to steal my playstation, other than that, not mad.”  
“I don’t want to be bisexual Phil.” There, he had said it, well whispered it. He would actually be surprised if Phil could hear him.  
“In what way?” Phil seemed confused.  
“I like you Phil, I just wish that didn’t mean I was bisexual.” Dan could feel his eyes water, and he didn’t know why his mind was making this such a big deal. It was just a word, but it meant a lot. The crazy thing was he didn’t mind if anyone else were bisexual, anyone in the world could come up to him and tell him they were bisexual and he would fully support them, but it just didn’t seem to fit for him.  
“Is it your worry of the word, or are you scared to be with me?”  
“Honestly, a little of both, but mostly I just hate the word. I just don’t want to be put into this box, and I thought being put in a box would feel good, but it just feels restrictive. I am also scared because I have no idea what I am doing Phil and I really do like you, and I don’t want to mess this all up because I am scared.” Dan let out a long sigh. It was a relief to have it all out in the open like that, but he was worried about what Phil would say. He didn’t have to worry for long though.  
“Dan if you don’t want to be labeled as bisexual you don’t have to be. You can just be Dan. If Dan is someone who can open his heart to both women and men then so be it, but you don’t have to be anyone else besides you. Who you want to be with is such a tiny part of who you are. You like music, and video games, and books, and YouTube, and popular culture, and for some weird reason you seem to like me. We can go slow Dan. I am not in a rush. I want you to be comfortable, and I know that this is new for you. It was all new for me at one time too, and some of this is still new for me. I have never been a fan of labels myself. So you be Dan, and I will be Phil, and we will figure this out together, because it is supposed to feel good, not be something sad or stressful,” Phil said with a smile.  
“Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome.” Phil paused to think if he should say something and ultimately decided to say it. “You are a rainbow Dan. You are someone who is bright, and not everyone gets to be that. When you think about all the negative things from the past, or what people may think just remember that you get to be something brighter than other people, and that does’t need a label.”  
“That may have been one of the cheesiest things you have ever said,” Dan said turning over and nudging Phil on the shoulder. “Can I hold your hand?” he asked tentatively.  
“Of course.”


End file.
